i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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