Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
