I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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