How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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