My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
