I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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