I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize