I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
