Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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