I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dick very happy bro
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
