Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
