I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
