I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
