Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i out mim tonsoeep
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