I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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