dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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