I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
