he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
