You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
