Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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