i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
