i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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