i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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