She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
