my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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