I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
