i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
