Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
