She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
