The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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