Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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