I hate your face
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
