I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
