dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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