No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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