forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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