So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
