Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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