I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm passing your future prison.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
