I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
