and i looked up. we had an audience...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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