There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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