hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
