I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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