I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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