i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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