What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
