His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
