I wish my penis had an off switch
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
