my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
