i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize