Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
