What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
