i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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