I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
