Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
