There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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