Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
