I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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