So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
