i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize