True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
