My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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