What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
