...so i touched it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
